


tried my best to be guarded / I'm an open book instead // Ruthless in Purpose, and Insidious in Method

by charleybradburies



Series: #SestraSaturdays [9]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canon Het Relationship, Canon Related, Canonical Character Death, Community: 1-million-words, Dark, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Episode Related, F/M, Foreshadowing, Future Character Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Imagination, Implied/Referenced Character Death, No Dialogue, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Season/Series 03, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 10:35:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4097782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleybradburies/pseuds/charleybradburies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <br/>
    <i>"The saddest word</i>
    <br/>
    <i>in the whole wide world</i>
    <br/>
    <i>is the world <b>almost.</b> She was <b>almost</b> in love.</i>
    <br/>
    <i>He was <b>almost</b> good for her.</i>
    <br/>
    <i>She <b>almost</b> stopped him.</i>
    <br/>
    <i>He <b>almost</b> waited.</i>
    <br/>
    <i>He <b>almost</b> lived.</i>
    <br/>
    <i>They <b>almost</b> made it."</i>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	tried my best to be guarded / I'm an open book instead // Ruthless in Purpose, and Insidious in Method

**Author's Note:**

> For my #SaturdaysForSawicki, sorry it's late, RL has been pretty demanding recently. 
> 
> The theme and the non-episode title half of the title are from Lifehouse's 'Broken', as part of the 1-million-words Weekend Challenge: Music / Song Lyrics. 
> 
> Poem from Tumblr and I'm really not sure who posted it originally or who actually wrote it and the webpage trail is super convoluted. If anyone reading this knows who should be credited for it, please let me know.
> 
> I was going to write something actually related to this week's episode (3.8) but it was too hectic for me to actually choose so I put down some more sad feels about this particular situation.
> 
> **RIP Paul.**
> 
> UPDATE: I posted this using the version of the poem that I saw, but I just a beautiful [gifset](http://orphanblack.tumblr.com/post/120302078291/the-saddest-word-in-the-whole-wide-world) on the OB tumblr with Sarah and Paul which switches the pronouns around a bit, so I've changed it so it fits.

He shouldn't love her. He shouldn't love _anyone,_ but especially not her. Trouble loved her, too, and it followed her everywhere, waiting for a way to slither back into her life and fuck it all up. 

There wasn't much of anything Paul could do about that. He couldn't kiss her, couldn't see her, couldn't touch her, couldn't fuck her, couldn't even warn her of what was coming. He just had to trust that the things he was doing for her, things she'd never know, could start enough of a ripple to mean something - had to hope that she was staying away from this mess, even though he knew she wasn't. He knew her too well to think that, and yet...he'd never really gotten to know her, not half as well as he'd like to. 

Even when she and the rogue Castor clone end up at the base - because, of course, she _hadn't_ stayed away - it's all a lie. He can see in her eyes that she has _something_ of an idea of how he feels about her; he can walk into the space adjoining her cell and scornfully say that she should've stayed away, but he can't really say or do anything. 

Because if he had it his way - that's not entirely true, this situation wouldn't even be _happening_ if he had his way - he'd have stood there and waited for her to let him explain, waited until she realized why he was staying caught up in all this shit, all her shit, all her chaos, realized that he _loved her._ Maybe even that he always would, that he'll go to his grave loving her, that because he loves her that'll probably be sooner than anyone currently expects. And maybe, just maybe, she'll still feel _something,_ something for him, for them, for what they could have been, maybe enough to decide that they had little enough to lose - little enough to kiss him again, even just a little one, even just one on his cheek... 

But _fuck,_ how he wanted more than that. He wanted to _give in_ with everything he had, wanted to march into her cell and tell her how he felt and have the chance to hold her and kiss her and fuck her against the wall and kiss her some more - kiss her everywhere - and then get the both of them (well, the three of them, because he doubted Sarah could be convinced to leave without Helena) the fuck out of this place. They could stop at that cantina, and get a round or six of drinks and some clothes, then call S and run away somewhere that no one, nobody they didn't want around, could find them. 

But not only did she not have feelings for him and not want to fuck him again, they were on a top-secret military base where they were on different sides of the spectrum of being held captive, and Paul knows better than to think that's actually possible.


End file.
